On Bride-zilla

I'm engaged

Bouncing around with my head in the clouds and a smile on my face, I've been in a state of happy euphoria for about a week now; a state that has only been broken a few times. Usually these breaks come as a result of un-sought and unneeded advice.

"You know, it takes between 8-12 months to plan a wedding."

"You should really look for a wedding dress that is..."

"You know, it's traditional for the bride to..."

and my personal favorite:

"Have you thought about waiting?"

What is it about major life decisions that makes people instantly think you are in need of their ideas and opinions? (My very pregnant friend confirms that this phenomenon only intensifies when bearing children is the issue at hand) Although opinions may be expressed out of a desire for my well-being, it is overwhelming to be bombarded with all this advice and worldly wisdom.

This constant flow of advice has given me a new perspective on the term "Bridezilla." Perhaps a Bridezilla is not, as we always thought, a self-centered diva who must have everything her own way. Perhaps Bridezilla was nicknamed so for refusing the "helpful" advice given by those who bombarded  her with their ideas of what her wedding should be.

I feel for her.

On Valentine's Day

Sonnet 116
(the original with my own re-phrasing)

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.
Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
                     If this be error and upon me proved,
                            I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

On Paranormal Activity

Could we please get another mythical love story (geared towards females between the ages of 13 and 17)?

Apparently so.

While browsing the aisles of Barnes and Noble the other day, I noticed that apparently there is an entire section of the store dedicated to this crowd, as The Twilight Saga and The Vampire Diaries are joined by a host of other novels of the same type. It begs the question, when did vampires go from scary to sexy? What changed Dracula from the stuff of horror movies and halloween costumes into a teen heart throb?

And isn't it a bit disconcerting that not only teenage girls, but grown adults are now lusting after Edward Cullen's porcelain bod? There are actually online forums that are entirely devoted to mothers who are obsessed with The Twilight Saga. One mother says,

"I am completely hooked on Edward Cullen (as a 42 year old mom and wife)."

Another makes this statement:

"I CANNOT stop thinking about [Edward]. I so wish there was someone in my life who looked at and felt about me that way. Again, I love my husband, but that passion has been absent from our lives for a long time. We are best friends, which is a blessing, but there is no passion."

Wow.

Am I the only one mildly upset to see adult women comparing their husbands to a fictional print character? I myself do not have a husband, but can imagine what marital troubles this could cause. I mean after all, Edward isn't human. He would never leave his dirty socks on the bedroom floor or forget to hang up his wet bath towel. Edward can read minds, and carry me on romantic piggy-back, tree-climbing excursions. Sure he drinks blood and doesn't have a soul but hey, those are minor flaws compared with dirty socks.

In all seriousness, though, enough is enough. Someone needs to get these insane fans in check

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go. This last chapter of New Moon and is keeping me on pins and needles.

Flu View

I think I have the flu.

I'm not sure, because technically the flu is just a virus and can't be tested for or controlled by medication. Cures for the flu include bed rest and fluids. Those affected may also be advised, as in my sister's case, to "stay away from other people". How one is to do this while living in a dormitory remains a mystery. The amazing thing about the flu is it's resilience. Each time a vaccine is developed against it, it simply mutates enough to remain effective against the human body. Swine and birds are also known to be particularly susceptible.

As I sit here coughing like an old smoker I wonder when modern medicine is going to do away with the flu once and for all. I hope it's not too soon. I, for one, have enjoyed my 3 day work week and an excuse to lay on the couch all day without being called lazy. Having the flu has suddenly made it OK for me to go to bed at 8:00, not do the dishes, and dictate what is watched on the TV.

The flu is perfect. Since it is not testable, it can be easily substituted for any physical malady one may have. Since it has no cure, its victims must simply be doted upon until they recover.

Why have we not thought of this before?

Hit List

Ladies and gentlemen, after much anticipation, here is 2011's list of
People who should not be famous:

Kristen Stewart
The Kardashians (all of them)
KE$HA
Octomom
Paris Hilton
Perez Hilton
The entire cast of Jersey Shore


These people have in no way contributed to society. As of today, I am revoking their celeb status.

Not So Special K (On Nutrition)

I don't know what it is about the snooze button. 5 more minutes can't honestly have that much of an impact on the rest of my day, but somehow I always feel it calling my name when my alarm goes off in the morning. By the time I get myself going, it's always at least ten minutes later than I had hoped.

I can't blame it entirely on the snooze button, but breakfast has become somewhat of a struggle.

I suppose this is a good time to mention the food transformation I've been going through recently. I started off 2011 by doing a fast with a group of friends. The idea was to give something up for the month January and become centered and focused on what is really important in this new year. Our group members gave up different things- everything from Facebook to meat to desserts. I gave up all animal products, sugars, and processed foods.

This fast resulted in a couple of things. The first (unintended but happy) side effect was weight loss, which can in no way be attributed to lack of eating. In fact, I was eating a diet that included a lot of olive oil, nuts, and carbs (always whole grains of course). I was actually eating more frequently, if anything.

Another result of this fast is that I was less tired and less grumpy with the same amount of sleep. I didn't even really crave or miss the things I had given up after a while.

A third, and lasting result is that I have become a label reader. I am no longer interested in eating foods with ingredients that I cannot say, spell, or understand. I am also trying overall to be more conscious of what I put into my body as fuel.

Which brings us back around to the breakfast struggle. In all reality, it has less to do my alarm clock and more to do with the ingredients list. When I saw Special K Red Berries in the pantry I rejoiced, assuming the day had been saved by a wholesome, quick breakfast choice. After all, commercials claim that Special K will help you to lose weight and develop a more healthy lifestyle.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I found sugar to be the second ingredient followed shortly thereafter by high fructose corn syrup. Really? Did we really need to include both of these? Why not just one or the other? While I was pondering this the answer came to me. Eliminating the one would likely boost the other right to the top of the ingredient list.

Want a challenge? Read the labels of what you eat. It's kind of intense but really enlightening.

I opted for some shredded wheat, btw.

Dear Phil, (On Urban Legends)

Today, Punxsutawney Phil failed to see his shadow and predicted that we will have an early spring. Legend has it that if the sun is shining on February 2nd, there are 6 weeks of winter left. I'm sure all the spectators who braved the winter storm warning to see Phil were cheering him on as his shadow took the day off. Phil's prediction marked the 125th anniversary of his weather forecasting. Of those years, Phil has predicted early spring only 16 times.

These numbers aroused my natural curiosity so I did some research. I found that groundhogs live between 3-4 years in the wild and up to 10 years in captivity, yet Phil has been predicting the weather for over a century. Conclusively, Phil must either be the longest living groundhog in the history of the world or an impostor. Judging from the way the North East has been pummeled by storms this winter, I'd have to lean towards the latter.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are being duped.

And here I was, ready for spring.

On Hit Music

I thought I'd share some of my favorite lyrics from current "hit" singles, with my own highlights and punctuation for emphasis.
(meant to be read expressively and preferably aloud)


From Raise Your Glass by PiNK:

We're gonna lose our minds tonight!
What's the dealio?
...
Call me up if you want gangsta!
Don't be fancy, just get dancey!
...
We will never be never be, anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks!


Contributed by Bruno Mars, Grenade:

You don't understand!
I’d catch a grenade for ya: yeah, yeah, yeah!
Throw my hand on a blade for ya! yeah, yeah, yeah.
I’d jump in front of a train for ya - yeah, yeah , yeah.
You know I'd do anything for ya! yeah, yeah, yeah!


(This title tells it all) WE R WHO WE R by Ke$ha

We make the hipsters fall in love
And we’ve got hot-pants on enough...
Got Jesus on my necklace.
...
Looking sick and sexy-fied!
...
DJ turn it up!
I’m so sick of being so serious!
It’s making my brain delirious!
I’m just talkin’ truth...
...
We’re selling our clothes, sleeping in cars, dressing it down, hitting on dudes
(HARD!)


And a personal favorite, Who Are You When I'm Not Looking by Blake Shelton:

My-Oh-My!
You're so good-looking!
Hold yourself together... like a pair of bookends.
But I've not tasted all your cooking!
Who ARE you when I'm not looking?




Excuse me while I go kill myself.